As I’ve written about before, it can be incredibly hard to find and work with a therapist who has any specialization in surrogacy. I have yet to find one! With that said, I do have some tips for working with a therapist that, when I do go back to therapy eventually, I wanted to write down both for my future self and any other surrogate kiddo who might be at a loss:

• Ask what they know about surrogacy, what research they plan to do, how they see it as similar and different from adoption, and really dig into their mental framework.
• Ask if they’ve ever worked with a child born through surrogacy.
• Draw a family tree to reduce confusion and explain relationships.
• Send initial information about your specific surrogacy arrangement (traditional vs gestational, open vs closed, contact or no contact with various parties).
• Ask them to read “Primal Wound” by Nancy Verrier (I recommend reading it too for your own sake).

Ultimately, I recommend trying to equip a therapist with enough information and prompting upfront to enable them to do a deeper dive into the world of surrogacy. Most aren’t aware and it frankly is a waste of time to have to educate and backtrack in the middle of a therapy session when more information upfront could save time. If a therapist isn’t up for expanding their awareness, I don’t think the therapeutic relationship would be productive either so this is also a great way to weed folks out.

On the flip side, if you’re a therapist, I recommend including the above as part of intake (family tree, arrangement) and doing the work to grow your understanding ahead of time.