A week ago, one of my brothers died. We only met once. I didn’t even know what he did for a living until recently. As my sister-in-law (whom I’ve only spoken to twice) said, “you were robbed of knowing him”. My grief is sharp. The anger builds.

Those who prioritize having children at all costs often overlook the impact on those same children. The most you can do is harm reduction. For those related to your kid, keep an open door with them. Facilitate that open door. Imagine being able to ease your child’s life from the start. Wouldn’t any parent want that? Why the resistance then?

Now, I only can attempt to know him through the stories of others, an incredibly inadequate replacement. I’ll never know our dynamic, if we’d have been close or estranged. There is so much I’ve had to fight to know about my own roots, my own self, with no help from any adults in the same situation. They simply said how much they wanted me and were never told or encouraged to look further into what happened next for me rather than for them.

We must do better. We must be aware of these dynamics. If you’re lucky your kid might talk to you about this pain. If they’re even luckier, you can help mend it. For me, it runs so very deep inside. It does not go away, does not budge, does not ease. The disconnect is profound, beyond words. The cost is a lifetime of not knowing someone–many someones. I always worried about my birth mom dying before I could know her and panicked about it at points. I never thought about losing a sibling.

This all sounds really hard, right? It is. It can be hard for you or it can be harder for your kid (it’ll already be hard regardless). Make it easier for yourself, for them, and for your future relationship. How you handle this will undoubtedly impact your bond.

Do not expect the fertility industry to help with this. Do not expect them to understand the nuance. They don’t prioritize the well-being of the future adult, the child you yearn for. I’m a product of that industry, and from their perspective, everything went smoothly. I know because I spent a day with the president of the agency my parents used peppering her with questions and heard all about it. You must take on educating and expanding yourself on your own. It was by design I never crossed paths with this brother and that my birthmom had “completed” her family by the time she had me (a common requirement now for surrogates). 

My situation wasn’t accidental. I was never meant to meet this brother, and by the time I came along, my birth mother had “completed” her family (a disturbingly common requirement despite the result being another child). There are no easy answers, just a hard path someone must take: you or your child. Choose a different path to parenthood, one that prioritizes the child you long for. Otherwise, the burden falls on them, not you. You cannot say you didn’t know.