Finding the energy and ability to write about surrogacy has always been incredibly difficult. I often won’t think or write about it until I’m “ready” often choosing instead to distract myself with easy to find outlets (ie social media, news, books, etc.) the closer I inch towards wanting to explore this part of my life. The only other times I do write about it are when I’m in a terrible headspace and can’t escape it – I must write to get it out of my head. Ultimately, my default is to not think about it as that’s how I’ve spent most of my life. To cope, you must compartmentalize and after 25 years of doing exactly that I am quite adept at it. Otherwise, I’d walk around all day whispering to myself, “Who am I?”.
Today, I write because I demand a more complex narrative around surrogacy and I know that to have that we need to involve the children of surrogacy. This “why” overpowers my urge to dismiss thinking about how I was brought into this world. To get a sense of the current narrative, just head to surrogate.com and try to get in touch with them:
Where is the third checkbox option where you can get in touch because you were born through surrogacy? Where are the resources for understanding surrogacy for those of us born this way? The truth is that the resources are less for us and more for parents looking to normalize this reality for us (and I’d argue for them too). The only books out there are for very young children about koalas and crayons. What resources and explanations do we have as we grow older? How are we to conceptualize our own reality? What are we to do when analogies around koalas and crayons aren’t enough? How are we to find others like us when every surrogacy organization is centered completely on the intended parents and the surrogate mothers? Where is our organization that’s dedicated to helping us navigate this world? This site is to be the starting point for us to have that space to explore, to discuss, to disagree, and to give others not familiar with our reality some understanding of it. This is the third checkbox.
To other surrogate kids, I’m here. I exist. I want to know your story. I want you to have a space to share your story. I want us to learn from each other. I imagine our experiences are going to be just as vast as the experiences that led our parents to seeking out surrogacy to begin with. I also imagine there will be some common threads between us all that we can use to find community with one another.
I’ve never met another surrogate kid which speaks to my inability to find you all and the creation of the site as a last ditch effort to do so. Perhaps there are others like me out there who have googled for hours late into the night just trying to find some words that feel similar to the ones floating in your head. If this resonates and you’ve landed here, hi :). I’ve been looking for you. I am relieved to find you after so much internet searching and soul searching (I’m not sure which I’ve spent more time on).
If you were not born through surrogacy and have found yourself here, thank you for taking the time to read and to understand. While I don’t have all the answers, I’m game to accept all the questions. Ask and I’ll do my best to respond whether publicly or privately.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash